+ Nymphetamine Girl +

She was alone. Waiting for her ride.Flipping a shard of glass throughout her fingers. I can't tell you why she was playing with that glass, she didn’t like sharp objects.She just played with it for fun or for security.why?,What type of security?..Well, She wanted to destroy herself.If intense depression or irritability crept up on her, She would have a self deprecating method in which to ease her pain in the form of playing with something sharp.

So that's what she was doing.Waiting for her ride to take her from Stephenville Crossing to St.Georges.She was staying there with her mom and sister.

She had gone back over the summer to find herself, to find peace where there was none.You can't run away from your problems when they're in your head.But,thats what she was trying to do.

She couldn't suppress the pain, anguish, guilt,paranoia, or anxiety that coursed throughout her veins for very long, So as she was flipping that single shard of glass in and out and around her fingers, A thought came to her.Would it hurt if she cut herself? On her arm?.So she did.And it hurt.But it felt good.It was a release,She became addicted.

That was two and a half years ago.She still does it now.Only worse.She has hundreds of scars on various places of her body.Her arms,thighs,her wrists,right where you see that tendon pop up when you flex.She use to wear a wristband to cover them up.But when she'd be alone, she'd take the wristband off.

Her scars are beautiful.They're the most beautiful thing about her.She gets intense satisfaction from looking at them,Admiring the work she's done.
She cuts those places over and over again.Sometimes,She doesn't even wait the few days it takes her to heal before she cuts again.Ensuring the scars will last forever.

When she'd returned to St.Georges, Nobody had realised what she'd done.Fall was coming, So she wore hoodies.A month or two later she got a peircing,But that didn't fill the void she was itching to fill.It was a temporary fix.She knew she didnt want to spend endless amounts of money on peircings,So she fell back into her habit of cutting.

Eventually, Her friends saw them.In all thier glory.They just shrugged it off.Too her,That meant acceptance and that it wasnt a big deal.Everyone does it right?.Nope, she was wrong.Her "friends" just werent good friends.

She never wanted her family to see them for some reason,So she covered them.But one night, While sitting at the kitchen table laughing with her mother ,her mothers friends and her friends,She forgot herself and pulled up her sleave,revealing her cuts and scars.

There they were.Beautiful.Her mother didnt think so.She glared at her.This wasnt what she needed right now.She didnt need to be screamed at.

Luckily, The fact that they had company overshadowed her secret for the time being and her mother didnt yell too much.She doesnt know if maybe her mother had forgotten or simply didnt care.But, She never said anything afterwards.

She had a boyfriend,He saw them too.He said they were ugly and that it made her look weak, not strong.She begged to differ."Everyone has thier fix" she told him, Hers was cutting.Some turn to alcahol,drugs or some form of addiction.Her only addiction was self harm.That is how she surpress' the pain life throws at her.That is how she deals with reality.Cutting is her escape from lifes pain.It's painful aswell, But in a good way.

If someone is too involve themselves with her, They must accept her for the way she is.She isn't ashamed of it, Nor is she proud of it.She covers it up because she doesnt want to scare anyone.She doesnt want any preconceived notions to be made of her due to that one fact.She's not stupid.She knows she'll be looked at as "physcologically unstable" by the world.

She was at her friends house, When her friend asked to see the wristband on her arm.The one on her left arm.The same arm her reality is etched into.He asked her to take the wristband off.So she did.He looked her straight in the eyes and said " Im sorry".He kept on repeating it, over and over.She smiled.Looked up at him and told him it was okay,she was alright and that he didnt have to worry.He told her he was shocked because she had always been so bubbly and happy all the time.

Well, It just goes to show how deceiving looks really can be.

Her face hides her pain and unhappiness.Her scars reveal what she really feels on the inside.It's an outward depiction of her pain, her anguish.It is a symbol of the abusive boyfriend she had.The one who cheated.The "one" she loved and lost.It's a symbol of her family.Her dad, Who for the time he lapsed in and out of her childhood,Treated her like dirt.Her mother,who uses her as an escape for all of her problems.

Those scars represent life to her.They are beautiful.They remind her that she is real and she's doing what she needs to get by.In order to live.If she didnt have this as an escape,where would she be? She doesnt let the thought enter her mind.She has never seen anything as beautiful as her cuts and scars,Because they remind her of the pain she has endured and that she's stronger for it and still carrying on with her life.It is beautiful, But, She will forever be branded.

There are other ways to deal,She's aware of that now.She can't control her compulsions, But she can try through medication and therapy.

When people look at her, and her scars go un-noticed, they see her as thier equal.But when they take notice of her deeply engraved reality,those very same people look down upon her.They make assumptions. At first she cared about what people thought, But now, She couldn’t care less.She realizes that hiding her truth is what caused alot of the hell she faces today. She doesnt hide it, She doesn’t care if they see them or not. But she doesn’t want people to assume that she's crazy.Is she supposed to wear a hoodie or wristband for the rest of her life. They're beautiful to her, But what about everyone else?

Trodden down to defeat
I form words to express my sin
Shunned from the old days
When the good guys would always win
Time slowly pulsates
While angels lose their voices
I conduct an orchestra of evils
As I make more than poor choices
Demons hold my hand
I'm about to be their queen
Lead to the depths of Hell
Which none have ever seen
Tortured by those unwilling
And envied by those wishing they could
You lack understanding
But it's better that you should
Contained inside a chamber
Never to be released
My heart locked and mind out of control
Waiting for life to cease

I see it all
so clearly
the past
the future
the present
I see the blood and sweat
the pain and agony
the tortured betrayal
I've survived,
prevailed
through days of torment
and nights of angst
but for what?
what does it amount to?
it amounts to me dying alone.

Counting the bumps in the ceiling
as death slowly enters
no faces of those I've loved
no one to hold my hand
and say it'll be alright
nothing to comfort me
in my silent solitude
nothing is left
but an empty shell
to be burried like the others
that and a trail of tears
spanning decades
flowing into a waterfall
at my feet
it'd be beautiful
if it wasn't so sad
but it's all that remain
of the struggle I won
only to lose in the end

Just imagine the stars
How bright they must be tonight
magnified be the teardrops
brought forth by all our pain
It's amazing how cruel life can be
how heavy its hand can feel
All we want to do is smile
but yet the teardrops fall like rain
There is no time for holding these days
nor a second for a simple kiss
just the time to stare at the moon
while crying out in vain
All we need is each other
to make it all go away
like an emotional drug
that takes away the pain
It's just so hard to keep an open heart
when the world is out to harm you
But without your gentle words
it's a struggle to stay sane
So as I roam the darkness
I'll be calling out your name
Haunting all of our demons
until they've all be slain

I once had friends
to talk to every day
but then the winds of change blew
and took them all away

I once had a lover
to see me through times of gray
but then the winds of change blew
and we went our separate ways

I once had a joyful heart
full of merry and gay
then the winds of change blew
and took my heart away

I once had innocence
as pure as the month of may
but then the winds of change blew
and corruption's here to stay

For when the wind blows
it blows hard its true
but when the wind blows
what can we do?

I once had a friends
I once had a lover
I once had a joyous heart
I once had innocence

I have these things no more
For the winds of change blew
Flowing through and through
I am not who I was, unto the nevermore

There would be a wake, an empty wake
of which few souls would dare partake
There would be tears, some useless tears,
from those I've met throughout the years
There would be talk, a lot of talk
some talks of waste and my cut stalk
That is, if I died tomorrow...

I would lay in coffin black
with handles chrome as if to fend
off some invisible attack
I'd lay so still but feel no pain
my eyes stay closed, not seeing the light
I shall never lose but never gain
That is, if I died tomorrow...

There would be a stone, a lifeless stone
over this grave I call my own
There would be grass, beautiful grass
who's beauty I could not try to surpass
There would be trees, tremendous trees
who soar to heights that only a bird sees
That is, if I died tomorrow...

When you look into my eyes
You see that something has been left behind
through the smiles and gentle kisses
You see a heart still longing
a touch left unfulfilled
a kiss that is vapor to the wind

You're ninety-seven percent of what I need
inches away from being complete
You could be my everything
My only wish
My only dream
if only you weren't so human
and so bound within yourself

But instead you're ninety-seven percent
leaving love unfulfilled
and dreams untouched
just an imperfect hand
grasping at perfection
watching as I drift to the horizon
with my demons of emptiness eating me away
seeking perfection with longing eyes
leaving you behind with every step I take

You know it's only time until I'm gone
the quest for completion pulling me away
leaving your only dream shattered
your everything gone
and the ninety-seven percent of what you were destroyed
Too imperfect to be immortal
and not enough to be my one true love
just inches away from keeping me
but miles away from feeling my embrace

You can only watch as I disappear
into the blinding horizon light
slipping into my perfect love
without your ninety-seven percent heart
or the emptiness it leaves inside

Sweet mournful songs carry 
upon the dying winds
through corridors of the world
that we both once lived within
And though I fight to see you
and feel one last embrace
I know you're gone forever
yet I long to touch your face
 
I mourn the way you touched me
with your body, heart and soul
your laugh, your wit, your tenderness
were the things that made me whole
I know I should not cling to us
and release you from my mind
but my heart still hears your song
like you're with me all the time

I'll greet you from the other side,
Of sorrow and despair.
With a love so vast and shattered.
It will reach you anywhere
Through the days of shame that are coming
Through nights of wild distress
Tho you promise's count for nothing,
You must keep them nonetheless.
For the heart with no companion
For the sword without a king.
For the graceful ballerina,
Who cannot dance to anything.

Gladly I would come to you willingly within the dark,
But it seems that this love made in hell was never meant to be,
I know you fear me and would worship me from afar,
I realise that you love me and would always give your life for your star,
But still I can’t help but wonder at your normal clothes,
I can’t help but laugh at the lack of sadistic content,
I feel that even though you stay by me you’d never surrender to the night,
I realise now that I can never turn you against the light,
I thought time would heal you and so I kept you lingering,
I thought it would help but it made your wound deeper,
Every cut every bruise that you endured sliced into my heart,
Every cruel word you ignored pulled us further apart,
I would have made you so happy; I would have given you anything,
I would have shown you every pleasure you could want,
But I guess that you never wanted this thing, my tainted love,
You wished for me to spread my wings and fly to the light above,
But that could never be but I would have if I were able,
But I was bound to the earth by the blood of my victims,
This can no longer be real; it must remain an unattainable dream,
Listening to our regrets, singing while they scream,
A chance happening of a wandering angel,
Brought you face to face with me,
I bet you wish you had never witnessed that despicable deed,
Wished you had never allowed me to reaped like an evil seed,
But this is what I am; this is what you are,
This is why we can never be as one,
From the start of the very first genesis,
To the end of my arch nemesis,
I kept you hanging by an invisible thread of deceit,
I kept you wondering my true intent,
I kept you wrapped up safe in a web of sadist lies,
Listening and writhing in pleasure from your cries,
Believe me when I say I cannot love, for I do not its meaning,
I know about hate and pain but about them you are ignorant,
How can we be together as opposite as we are?
If I were you would you still worship me from afar?
If pain was your bondage and I held the whip, would you still love me?
If sorrow was your medicine and I was the needle’s chrome blade,
Would that you were someone new away from all my hate?
Would you leave believing this was not your fate?
If I were not the demon I am deep inside would you still fear me?
If I were another pitiful whore in your bed would you still worship me?
If I was black or red would you hate me for my creed?
If I were weak and powerless would you make me bleed?
I can’t help but wonder about these things, the things that break my mind,
I can help but imagine how many others you’ve had like this,
In the blackness of eternal regret, drowning in your kisses of deep despair,
Ice cold eyes roving over burning flesh, knife like fingers running through my hair,
Erotic fire breathing on my cold skin, shaking the earth to its brittle core,
Obsidian caresses curling at my throat,
I can’t help but wonder at the irony of it all,
Watching as the angels fall,
If I were the light instead of the dark would you still want me?
If I were the good instead of the bad would you still crave me?
I wonder if I didn’t resist could you still call it rape?
If I felt angry would you bend me out of shape,
If I were different entirely would I still hold your desire,
If I were the demon instead of you would I care?
I suppose that it the end it did some good,
Because now me and you are bound by blood,
You are my demon, my devil, my dark despairing lover,
You didn’t want me but you had me anyway,
And you discovered the demon inside me,
You held me tightly all through the night, and you set my darkness free,
We can at last be one; we can take on the world,
Masking our pain and blackness like you once did,
We will crawl into every human’s heart and soul,
We will destroy them; kill all that’s whole,
Another night will come and with it your nightshade grin,
Another flame to add to our passion of fire,
But still I wonder what if we never connected together?
What if we never found each other? Ever?
Would we still wander in the blackness of this void?
Pretending that we’re not who we are inside,
Wondering about things that we hear and feel and see?
Would I still long for you to come and set me free?

I said "I love you" today
I tried hard to make you believe it
I tried hard to believe it myself
But the truth is that I hate you my love
I hate you now
and I hated you when I said it
When I look into your eyes
all that I can see
is a string of broken promises
lies stacked upon lies
things that you wanted to do but never tried
and the countless missed opportunities created by
the millions of precious moments I'll never get back
Yes, I hate you
I hate who you are
I hate what you've made me
and most of all I hate what we've become
Even if I could love you
and all of your cruel ways
I could never love what we've become
a sickening, rotten display of denial
a putrid example of naivete run amok
and a horrid case of idealism gone too far
I don't love you
but I love who you were supposed to be
I love what I thought you were
but you never understood yourself
you never make an attempt to understand me
and now no one
not even the Gods above
can understand us
So why, why do I say I love you?
Is it a reflex
or perhaps just words uttered in fear?
No, my love, I say I love you because they are just words to me
words like any other in the language
the only difference is that they're the ones you want to hear
and until you want to hear others
I'll repeat them to you again and again and again
just because I've lost the will to fight
I've lost the heart to argue
and I truly don't care enough to speak the truth
If that's your idea of love
then I hope you enjoy it
It's the way you made me
the way you taught me
the way you groomed me
and I hope you enjoy your "I love yous"
because I know you've worked so hard for them
and even though they're shallow and wasted
they're just like the love we share
I think even you can agree
that they're the perfect words for you
even if they're words just like
any other words in the language

It's love's sick venom that drips from me right now
he beat his way inside and holds the key
again. A pair of eyes I saw now looms
in my mind and haunts my thoughts every time I shut
my eyes. I force myself to stay awake
for fear I'll dream of him again. His face
so soft just begs my touch and his lips just wait
to be kissed. I know my heart will break again
because it's fate's cruel hand that keeps us apart
the picture I hold brings tears to me despite
the smile it throws back to me. I know that love
is a two-headed demon because with one
he kisses me and with the other he bites
my neck 'till blood is drawn and drained. Why must fate
be cruel to those who dare to love? The glue
that holds my heart is weak because of him
and those eyes that could pluck my heart and drain my love
if they wished it so. This twisted venom has
me now, I'm trapped and I'll pay the price for letting
love's bite clamp down upon my neck

We shared some times,
None good,They were all bad,
What we could of had is gone forever,
And I can’t have it back.

All of the memories,
That I'm too frightened to share,
Will never be lost,
They will forever be there.

But I guess that it’s better,
To feel always in pain,
 I’ve learned with every loss,
There is something to gain.


Father  I loved you,
Why did you have to go?
I hope you can hear me,
Because I want you to know,

I will always remember,
I will never forget,
Everything you did to me,
I will remember it.

Dear father
Look your daughter in the eye,
Tell her the honest truth,
That you wouldnt care if she died
Dear father,
Watch the blood run down my arm,
I know that you dont care,
That I cause myself self-harm.
I may be doing well,
But not well enough for you,
Can't you even see,
That im trying to push through.
Im going to the bathroom now,
To take my razor from the shower,
Ill cut deep into my wrists,
And kill myself this hour.
I know you dont seem to hear,
My angry screams and cries,
And you dont see my cuts and scars,
And the tears that's in my eyes.
Dear father,
I killed myself because of you,
I drained all the blood from my body.
Even if you cared.There'd be nothing you could do

On a starless night
so many years ago
you pulled me deep inside
with a single kiss.
I was just a child
still frightened by the dark
hiding in a corner
nursing a wounded heart

I was broken
and so pathetic
just a willing victim
for your black magic

You walked away
and left me there to die
with my heart still beating
and my blood still boiling.
I wiped away the tears
and grew strong inside.
Now I stand here ready
to face you again

So throw it my way
hit me with everything
I’m not frightened
by black magic

When this battle’s done
I’ll hold my head up high
as the conqueror standing proud
over his fallen foe.
You could never
hold a candle to me
and as you run away
maybe you’ll see.

I’m the new master
of your witchcraft
and I’m stronger
than your black magic

The world ended last night
so we went to the roof of the house
to watch it all unfold
Underneath a fire-lit sky
we unfolded a blanket
and set out our food
as hell devoured children
we devoured our mustard salad
as the seas boiled and towns burned
we sipped our ice tea
and fed each other finger food
Though we couldn't hear a word
over the screams of bloody massacre
we held hands and kissed softly
as we took it all in
Satan would have been proud of us
and our picnic in the sky
but as I watch my world burn and rot
not a tear shall fill my eye

I remember how it began
with tempers flaring and heartache nearing
We were saying words never meant to be said
and now we're hurting one another just because
we were too weak to face ourselves
We cry because we love
We cry because we care
But we forget that in this world
everything has a price
and that even teardrops aren't free

I held your head in my arms
and I tried to caress the pain away
But no matter how much I wiped your eyes
or took back the words I said
I couldn't stop you from hurting
and as pain creates pain
and suffering creates suffering
It becomes clear that we live in a world
where everything has a price
and even teardrops aren't free

As I'm walking off into the distance
I can see you standing there
with the tears still fresh on your face
I try to remember every word we said
and I try to understand the price I'm paying
as I stroll  into the darkness of uncertainty
leaving pieces of myself behind
pieces that are mere tokens demanded by a world
where everything has a price
and even teardrops aren't free

There are times when I'm inconsolable
when the world around me becomes too much
and my demons come out to feast on me again
There are times when I'm hopeless
when I'm too lost to return home
and I don't need your comforting touch
I just need to be left alone to sit quietly in the dark

Don't offer me a friendly hand
nor a tender embrace of love
Just let me surround myself with shadows
and let my troubles eat me whole
Don't try to save me when I can't be saved
and keep your tender words for another day
a day when the tides of my heart have changed
and my soul flows the other way

But until that time remember that I love you
and that you're still the keeper of my heart
but for the moment love is not my friend
and your tender touch and sweetest smile
are like poison to my aching soul
So let me be
Let me sit alone in the dark
Let me find comfort in forgotten lusts
Let me bandage my heart with solitude
and dry my tears with time

I know that you understand
and I pray that you'll return
Because I long for when I can emerge from these shadows
and once again cherish the smile glistening
across your sweet, tender face

okay..I usually (never) don't this,But i got to blog something on Johnny Cash.He was the most brillant man in the world afterall!

If you've ever heard the song "hurt" you know what Im talking about.

Heres the lyrics to "hurt"

 

"I hurt myself today,

To see If I still feel.

I focus on the pain,

The only thing that's real

The need tears a hole

The old fimilar sting

I try to kill it all away

But I remember everything"

 

[Chorus:]
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

[Chorus:]
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

 

MUAHAHAHA Brillant!!!!